I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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