oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
