And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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