and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
