All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
