Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
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We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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