jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am midnight drunk by noon
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
