If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
