So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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