I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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