Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
