Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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