Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
