The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
