I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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