she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
