hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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