It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
