so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize