i would punch a child for taco bell
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
