It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
