i already hear my dad disowning me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
