Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
