He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Randomize
