Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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