During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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