We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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