my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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