i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
