Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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