My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm passing your future prison.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
