Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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