i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
