Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
