So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
