Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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