How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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