Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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