last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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