Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize