Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
