yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
