i wish starbucks made bloody marys
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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