my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
