oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
