Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
