will power is for people who don't want to get laid
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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