You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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