Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
