I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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