he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
