I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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