I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
