2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
