That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
