So drunk its hurt
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
