You can't special order awesome
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
