Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
