I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
