Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
